Lists of Rules, #719

If you've seen the most recent new episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (whether or not you liked it), or any of a half-dozen episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, or if you've ever read Heinlein's Job: A Comedy Of Justice, or... okay, you know what, there are way too many examples to list them all. But if you've seen or read any of them, and especially if you've seen or read all of them, you've probably considered at some point: How do you tell if you're in an alternate universe? And what should you do in the meantime that will give you the best chance of surviving / figuring out what's going on / getting back to your own reality?

This came up in discussion recently, and my dear Semi-Competent Groupie (tm) Sandy sent me the following short list:

* If you do not recognize your body [ie you're six inches taller than you remember] close your eyes and try to pick something up. If you can do it, it's probably your real body and you have memory problems. There are other tests -- balance, walking up stairs -- but basically, you check the muscle memory and the like. If you're really body-swapped you're going to be a total klutz for a while.

* If you do not recognize your wife [it's usually guys who get parallel-universed for some reason] don't try to fake it. She'll know there's something wrong anyway. She's not an idiot. Try to get her on your side. ("Honey, I've got something to tell you. I have a set of memories that doesn't match reality. When I went to sleep I was a single guy in a penthouse. Think of it like amnesia.")
Addendum: I would say the same applies to siblings or friends who seem to be very close, especially if you notice that they read science fiction. No, really; if someone may be familiar with the concept, get their help.

* Also, with the presumed wife, smell her hair and see if it smells familiar. Scent works differently from other memory -- you can actually smell things by remembering them, for instance.

* Also, with the presumed wife, don't assume that you have any rights on her body. She's a stranger and she deserves her space. If she comes to you, that's different.

* Go through your own wallet. It's just a good idea. Also, write your home phone number down on something. Names of wife and possible children, too. Carry it with you in case something like this happens again.
Oh, and if you can't read the local language ... that's a problem.
Addendum: Try not to assume anything too firmly from what you find in your wallet. The picture could be a family member, but it could just as easily be a filler that came with the wallet.

* Don't be a jerk. The reality you're in may not be real, but that's no reason to be a jerk.
Addendum: Assume the reality is real, and as such, try not to do anything that will screw things up too irrevocably for whoever will replace you when you get out of here. Especially considering that the whoever may be another you.

* There is also the possibility of a Vast Conspiracy To Make You Confused, as per Mission Impossible or Total Recall or something. Go for a drive [checking that the cars are on the side of the street you think they should be, first] and make a bunch of random turns. Go through a random store, see how much stuff you recognize. It's hard to fake an entire supermarket or drugstore.

Additions to this list are eagerly solicited, in the style of "How To Survive A Pulp Movie" or "If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord."