I've just had an apostrophe.

[batyatoon]

("I think you mean an epiphany.")

So we've been discussing the whole body-image/anorexia topic to death on the Brunching Board. And in discussing a particular dieting behavior that amounted to an eating disorder, I said (reasonably) that the problem with it was not that it was unusual, but that it wasn't healthy. And, I qualified, by "healthy" I meant "emotionally healthy."

And it didn't occur to me until somewhat later to look askance at that knee-jerk qualifier.

For thems of you as has never met me in person: I am short and overweight. I have been short and overweight my entire life.

I had really awful body-self-image trouble when I was younger. It got to the point where the only way I could be at all comfortable living in this body was to ignore it completely -- I didn't care about it, I didn't care what other people said about it, and I certainly didn't care what it looked like.

It took me a long time to get to a place where I believed that I could look good, and where I would bother to try -- things as simple as taking pains with color and style of clothing, or taking care of my hair.

To this day, I have still refused to go on any weight-loss or fitness regimen, because I have not yet gotten to a place where I can do that without feeling as though, after all these years, I were finally caving to body-image pressure.

Essentially, given the choice between taking care of my physical health or my emotional health, I chose emotional without a second thought.

And what hit me, when I finally put it that way to myself, was what that means.

I still put my mind ahead of my body.
I still think of my mind as who I am, and my body as ... well ... where I live. I am my mind; I inhabit my body.

And when I asked myself "well, why do I do that?", the answer was obvious: I still don't want to think of this body that I hated for so long as me.

How's that for a kick in the head?
And where do I go from here?

Comments

[tibicina.livejournal.com]

Not the only two by a long shot. Though I will admit that part of it for me is that I spent way too much of my childhood and adolescence on diets. Mostly because my mother was going on a diet and taking me along with her. Soo... while I'm not happy with my body, diets, to me, bring up huge amounts of resentment and failure issues. And I can be a stubborn little girl once I've dug my heels in, which is sort of what I've done on the whole weight issue. I almost refuse to change *because* other people want me to do so. And while some of their reasons are valid, some are not and I refuse to give in to 'don't you want to be beautiful?'

Recently someone, who I know at least sort of understood, talked to me about possibly going to a meeting about stomach stappling/bypass stuff. She used to be much heavier even than I am and she used to have a lot of health problems associated. But one of the things that she said which annoyed me was something along the lines of 'Don't you want to get married?' And I've got a fiance. I've got a fiance who loves me. Heck, I've had a number of other lovers as well. I don't need to be thin for people to love me. And that part of her assumption just sort of automatically sent me into 'No, not gonna do it' mode no matter what else she said. Oh well. I admit I'm not overly rational on the subject.

[batyatoon]

"I almost refuse to change *because* other people want me to do so."

Yes. Exactly. Because to change would be to give in to pressure, and to become the sort of shallow superficial appearance-oriented person we always despised. It would be saying "Yes, you've convinced me, I do want to be thin and beautiful and happy, which are not only all the same thing but the most important thing there is."

Or at least that's how it feels.

Now, I'm perfectly capable of understanding that, in general, bad reasons to do something do not invalidate the good reasons to do it. So why the hell is it so hard to accept that in this particular case?

[jerusha.livejournal.com]

Now, I'm perfectly capable of understanding that, in general, bad reasons to do something do not invalidate the good reasons to do it. So why the hell is it so hard to accept that in this particular case?

I don't know, but I do it too. I've been angry at my mother for years over an instance of just this problem, and I can't even explain to her why, because it sounds nuts put into words.

I had frequent daylit free-time a few years ago. I was going to do something good for myself, on both the physical and emotional levels, and start going for daily walks. I carefully barricaded from myself any recollection that my mother walked for fitness, or had suggested this. Then, the day before I was going to start, we were talking and she suggested that since I had free time I start walking. Argh! I couldn't go.

I still, years later, haven't been able to. Because by starting to do it after she suggested it, even though I had already decided on my own to do so, I would be capitulating to her desire for me to exercise. To, in general, give a shit about my body. And I couldn't give in like that. I know it makes no logical or rational sense. But it makes emotional sense, and it lives in that part of myself that has the door firmly barred to Mr. Logic.

It gives her as much or more power than I'm trying to take from her, in a way. I'm not doing what my mother tells me to. Even if she tells me to do something that I was already going to do, I then won't, or can't, do it because now it's something my mother told me to do, and I'm not doing that.

This comment-thread (http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=almeda&itemid=56728&thread=81560#t81560) turned up in almeda's journal back in December. I think it's visiting me right now. I don't want it anymore.

Free to a good home?